ridin' and cryin'

I had zero plans for the type of bike ride I was going to do last Sunday morning, other than I was going, I was going alone, and I wanted to be out for an hour or so. I was sad, and I the night before, had just read something a fellow cyclist wrote about her depression. She said how important it was for her to just go for a ride, if she could force herself to do it, when she was feeling really low.

These days, we're all feeling low. But lately, I am feeling really low. And so on that Sunday morning I made myself ride. And I had a great, slow cruise around town. I did the "parks loop" in the reverse direction I usually ride it - I rode City Park, then Cheeseman Park, then Wash Park. As I was coming up toward Wash Park, there was this beautiful memorial to a rider who was killed last summer - and painted on the path is "a bicycle ride is a flight from sadness." 

I teared up a bit as I rode past, so I turned around and got off my bike. The memorial was really touching and my camera skills do it no justice. There were flowers lining the path, on both sides, draped over the bench, a white ghost bike, her photo, and scores of paper lanterns hung in the trees, all the way down the street. Butterflies were painted up and down the road leading to the path and the quote. 

I got back on my bike and started pedaling toward the park, and just broke down crying. I am so tired of all of the EVERYTHING. I could list it, but we're all so tired. We all have our things and here with Covid and lockdown and the masked vs. the maskless, I just... lost it. Thank goodness for sunglasses and no one around to hear me. It actually felt really good to let it all out. 

As the week continued, my sister flew with my grandma back to PHL, so she can live in her house again. They sent a photo, Grandma is so happy to be back in her own house. But there is stress, with the pandemic, what if we never see her again? What if she falls or gets sick and has to go into the hospital, and we can't see her? I mean, we worry about her health or accidents anyhow, but Covid makes it harder. And then my car died. And the diagnostic and repair is likely pricey. Is it worth it. Should we just buy a new car? Is it smart to buy a new car here in a pandemic? Covid makes it harder. 

Yesterday we were going to ride bikes and ended up stopping at the dealership on the way. The bike ride didn't happen, but we got a replacement for my car. I like the new car, and one day I am sure I will love it... these days, my capacity for joy is diminished. But I am grateful that we planned for this, and saved up, and that when my old car went, we were able to buy a new one relatively easily. I just didn't think it would happen like this. At the end of the day I feel like we got a fair deal on the car, and I do love the way it looks. The wheel and tire size are less practical for what I want, but I'm not sure I want to drive down into Kane Creek anymore. And if we do, we take DH's truck. 

In the middle of this Week Of Hard Things, I realized I was having a hard time processing my emotions. So I looked for some online inspiration - and came across an old favorite, Desiderata. I re-read it so many times and saved it to my phone so that I always have it if I need it. Yesterday as we were ransacking the house and garage to find the title to my old car, in the midst of the giant paper storm that is fifteen years and three moves' worth of no filing system, I watched a tattered and faded printout float to the grass - it was a copy of Desiderata - no doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should.