Arm Candy

We've all dated a jackass. Or at the very least, we have all been dating someone who, at some point, behaved in a very jackass manner toward us. Last summer, I had my dating-a-jackass experience. I knew that Car Guy had the propensity to behave in a jackass manner, but he was one of those 'I've known him a while, I might be attracted to him, let's see what happens.' I just had to see.

Car Guy and I had known each other for 20+ years when we started dating. We grew up together. He and I lived in different states, though, and didn't see each other too often. In fact, I was pretty convinced that this is one of the main reasons we got together. Car guy saw me at a party, it had been a few months since we'd been around each other. I had lost 30 pounds and was working out with a trainer. I was LOOKIN' GOOD. I knew as I went to that party that Car Guy was probably going to hit on me just because I looked so much better. I told myself I wasn't going to fall for it. Lo and behold, he hit on me. And lo and behold, I didn't fall for it! (Which, if you were ever around me after I'd had a couple drinks, you would know that this was QUITE a feat.)

Of course after a month of Car Guy's persistence, I gave in - he seemed to want it. OK, I'll put my doubts and fears aside and jump in with you, Car Guy. Well, right off the bat I realized I was really enjoying myself, and I was totally falling for Car Guy! And, bonus, HE was falling for me! It was all so speedy and wonderful and I didn't care that I couldn't keep up with it, I loved it! And then three months of relationship bliss later, it happened: out of the blue, he broke up with me. (It should be noted that it was clearly NOT relationship bliss - but being IN the relationship, what did I know?)

After 12 gut-wrenching post-breakup hours, Car Guy decided he had made a terrible mistake. He called me (crying) to see if I would come down there for the weekend to "talk things through." Hm. He's gonna break up with ME, then expect me to drive 7 hours to help him fix it? I don't think so. But after many hours of pleading - and since I'd already planned to go down there that weekend - I gave in. If nothing else, I could lay on the beach and get my tan back.

To Car Guy's credit, he was very upset when I arrived. He and I went to a restaurant to talk. He proceeded to tell me he knew he was rather shallow but that he didn't want to lose someone as wonderful as I was because of it. I had an idea where this was going. I just had no idea how abruptly we would get there. And then he said it... out loud... in a crowded restaurant...

"Liz, you're really just not the calibre of arm candy I see myself with."

OH. MY. GOD.

Doesn't he know it's EYE candy, not ARM candy? Honestly! Oh but wait, did he say that to ME? I'm confused. I tried to voice my confusion, but of course, he didn't stop there and he was talking again before I could get a word in.

"I just always thought I'd end up with a supermodel, you know, a real KNOCKOUT."

OH! MY! GOD!!!

Did I drop my drink in his lap? Did I dump the cheese sauce over his head? No. Now I was simply a deer in headlights, blinded by this thing coming at me, that was obviously going to kill me, but too paralyzed to move myself from harm's way. The irony was - and I know this sounds conceited - of the two of us, I was definitely the cute one. And for whatever reason, this Cute One listened to what the Jackass had to say beyond that, and somehow decided to stay with him. The relationship was doomed after that, I just didn't know it. I had to learn the hard way.

I realized soon after that night that I didn't feel as wonderful as I used to when I was with him. In fact, with or without him, I didn't feel wonderful. Then one night I ran into some friends who knew nothing of Car Guy, and who couldn't stop talking to everyone they were with about how fantastic I was. I felt fantastic around them. I realized how much better my mental state would be without feeling like Car Guy was judging me.

I broke up with Car Guy for good soon after that night. Kharma sought him out and bestowed 30 extra pounds on him in the months that followed our break up. He was certainly less 'arm candy' than he was in the first place. Maybe it will help him realize that looks aren't everything. Or anything, honestly, because lost weight or gained, you're the same person. Car Guy and I are still friends, and I appreciate a lot of his personality qualities in a friend. But there are some things I will never settle for in a boyfriend.

Miss Corporate America

How exactly did I end up with a Blackberry on my hip, a calendar full of so many meetings and things to do that I may not have time for lunch at all this week, and a corporate credit card in my wallet? I mean, just last month I was shuffling into Cad Monkey Land at 10AM (and that's if I was feeling particularly sprightly) wearing jeans and a tshirt. Now I'm in suits and buttoned down shirts, and a 9AM arrival on this floor could be 'cause for concern.'

I have officially entered Corporate America. And not only am I working for The Man, I'm in the Corporate Finance department. I have truly moved to the dark side. My theory is, if you're gonna do it, go all out - so of course I'm not going to take on Corporate America as a Cad Monkey. Though I will be a PowerPoint Monkey for awhile. At least I can see the path to becoming the CEO. Which, ladies and gentlemen, will happen one day.