A Different Life

My dad died. I am not normal. I feel like I am going crazy. (I keep saying that, and I was very happy to see that apparently it is normal to feel this way.) I'm less than a month into this. Basically my dad died on the 13th of March, which is my mom's birthday. What was left of his earthly body held on until March 25th, the *actual* date of his death. So I've been going through this for a month.

The first thing I can tell you about grief is that everyone goes through it in their own way. And whatever way you think you will deal with it, you are probably going to be surprised when/if grief ever happens to you.

There are the basic tenets. I think it's supposed to go "Denial, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance, Grief" or something. Contrary to popular belief, there is no order to any of these tenets. Denial never really entered into things. I'm fact-based and I got the facts the first night so there was no room for denying - I had the proof. There was also no anger, initially. I think I hit both Sadness and Acceptance immediately after I got off the phone with my mom that night. And I was also racked with Grief (a horrible feeling only known through experience) that whole first night after I found out. But these feelings, they come and they go and they don't have any order or predictability. It's hard and it's a strange thing to deal with.

Sadness hangs around me all the time. I don't think I'm depressed and I know myself enough to know when I feel like I'm heading that way, and honestly I don't think I am. (Hm, could that be denial??) I am just sad. I'm sad that I will never get to ask my dad what he thinks of the guy I'm dating or what he thinks I should do about work, I'm sad I'll never go fishing with him again, I'm sad I'll never get into a crazy argument with him again and I'm sad that [should I ever get married] he won't be walking me down the aisle. I used to joke to him that by the time I got married, he'd be too old to walk me down the aisle... I never expected he would be gone, and it makes me sad.

Anger has been the most surprising. It shows up at the craziest times and it is never in the forms I expect. I thought I'd be angry with God or with my dad (the deceased) for this. I have not gotten at all angry with either of them, I've gotten angry with people who are trying to help me! Mostly I'm more angry with myself than anyone else. I'm angry that I can't concentrate, I'm angry that I am not the rockstar at work that I used to be. I'm angry that I can't rise above all this fucking grief and get back to a normal life. And therein lies the reality: I am now in a different life and it will take me some time to adjust.

I'm a member of The Dead Dads Club, I am among those who have experienced a great loss. Things will never be the same... and I know that I will either become better or bitter because of this. I am still an optimist, so I see myself coming through this as BETTER. I'm told that with time things get easier (sort of a gradual Acceptance) so I just have to wait it out and get used to this different life. I have faith that one day it will feel normal.