Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda - by The Ducque

This is a guest blog post by my friend The Ducque. I loved this particular column so much (you can read more at www.bandon.tv) that I wanted to share it with everyone who keeps up with me here. Enjoy!

WOULDA, COULDA, SHOULDA

Dedicated to the Spirit of Arlene

(I wish I’da Known Her More Betta)

Sept. 1, 2006

Someone I knew a little died suddenly a few weeks ago. Without warning I experienced the meaning of grief stricken. Shocked, shuddering and overcome with huge uncontrollable sobs in the arms of my office mate I had a melt down. Now, if this had been my mother or lover or best friend this reaction might have made sense. Don’t get me wrong, this woman deserved my tears and to be memorialized. Arlene was dynamic, funny, outspoken and definitely a role model to independent women everywhere.

But this was a woman I’d only met a dozen or so times. I did like and admire her. When our mutual Colorado friend was in Bandon we always had lunch together. Arlene let me pick the huckleberries from her yard. And I knew one day…. when I had more time … and I got around to it… we’d do lunch, just the two of us. I had her number programmed in my cell for over a year and I coulda called at any time. One day never came.

At first I thought it was the dying alone thing that triggered my overreaction. Remember when Miranda from Sex In the City moves into her new apartment, and the neighbor lady tells her the former tenant died there, and it took a week to find her, and her cat was gnawing at her when they finally found her, and so Miranda overfeeds her cat and tells all of her friends to agree to check up on her if they don’t hear from her for a couple of days? Well, ever since I’ve been single that has been a primeval fear of mine as well. So, that must be why I cried so hard. The tears were for me and my loneliness.

I’m kinda glad Arlene won’t be reading that last pathetic paragraph because I’m pretty sure she woulda told me to get over it. That I’m better off with my own good company than settling for something less. Brutally honest at times, you always knew exactly where you stood with her. She embraced her retirement. I know she was happy with her newly remodeled home and her other many projects. She always told me about how appalled her California friends were when she moved to Bandon sight unseen. To her life was an adventure. She wasn’t afraid to pick up and start over. She filled her days with growing beautiful roses, not with regrets.

One of my first and most faithful of The Ducque column fans, Arlene asked me the last time I saw her why I’d quit writing it. I blamed it on Mongo, the disappearing Webmaster. She knew how to call bullshit. “Well, then find someone else to write for.”

Mmmmmm. Arlene’s message to me was, ”If you want to do it, find some way to make it happen.” It seems to me that most of us don’t take enough time out from our daily drivel and allow ourselves to dream. Or if we do, we procrastinate. One day I’m going to Europe…or climb Humbug Mountain…or make cookies for my neighbor…or buy myself a motorcycle…or move closer to my family. Whatever, we think about it and put it on our mental wish or “to do” lists. Usually, we don’t do it. But if anything is worth investing in, it’s ourselves. And we each need to find some way to make some of our own shoulda coulda wouldas reality.

Coincidentally, the last time I saw Arlene was over the Fourth of July holiday when aforementioned Webmaster was in town. Sometimes, the cosmos are in your corner. So, I asked him about restarting the column. And he said yes.

So this, my reentry Bandon.tv column really isn’t about grief or even about Arlene. It’s about living your life today and identifying your own shouldas. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was seven years old. But writing takes discipline and almost a half a century later I’ve never got around to it. So now as I enter my semi retirement I’m making a commitment. I don’t wanna die with a tombstone reading, “she shoulda been a writer.” I’m going to give it a try.

And, PS to my friends and family, if you don’t hear from me for a few days, please give me a call.

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Read more by The Ducque at www.bandon.tv