10 Reasons For...?

My fantastic roommate, The Guery, started this whole thing... but it is now June 27th and he is no longer my fantastic roommate. I think Jackass Roommate is a more appropriate way to describe him as he has been intentionally mean and hurtful toward me since the end of April. I tried not to take the mean things he said personally because I knew he was going through a rough time, but ultimately he ended up being very successful in his attempts to hurt me. I finally told him to knock it off when I realized he was enjoying being able to hurt me and had no plan to stop doing so. I know he thinks I am a terrible friend and person but the truth is, whatever I did to hurt him was completely unintentional and I apologized over and over to him. He has been intentionally mean to me and has hurt me more than anyone I know, and I have had enough - I do wish I could be sensitive to what he's going through, but there's only so much anyone can take. I'm leaving this blog entry up as a reminder of the fun guy I used to live with, but for now, The Guery I know is gone and I can't wait until the jackass who took his place is out of my apartment. Sad, but true. Anyhow, I leave this entry up as a good reminder of the friends we used to be.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Californication
(by The Guery)

Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I started to post this as a quick bulletin, but it quickly blew up and became a full fledged blog entry. Liz has been pushing for me to get a job in California so we can all (who are "all of us" anyway?) move out there and do whatever it is that Californians do. Lay on the beach, dye their hair, and snort coke, I suppose. I'm not really all that hip on the idea. Here are the top 10 reasons I should NOT move to California.

10. The Governator. Really, folks. I suppose one politician is as good (pandering, self serving) as another, but a man who went from such cinematic masterpieces as "Predator" with Carl Weathers to the astonishingly bad "Jingle All the Way" with Sinbad will clearly do anything for a quick buck. This man is not to be trusted.

9. Californians are godless and foul people. They need religion. Come to think of it, so do I. Doesn't look like I could ever find it there.

8. 91 octane gas. That's some BULLSHIT. Give me 93 or give me death. If anything I should move to Japan where it's rumored that 95 octane is plentiful. Then again, cars are taxed so heavily after about 40,000 miles that it's cheaper to scrap the old one and buy a brand new one. It's supposed to be a crazy economy stimulus tool. Anyway, back to California's gas laws, I'm all for emissions requirements and environmetally friendly policies, but only for people with cars that SUCK. i.e. soccer moms, ricers, peeps who commute more than 10 to work at a crawl, and rednecks with jacked up yet immaculately cleaned pickups that have never been closer to going offroad than the rubbing the curb while trying to parallel park in front of their Klan meeting. Trucks are meant to do lots of hard work, and cars were meant to be driven fast and hard, not tote mindless sacks of salt water to the mall.

7. The O.C.

6. Anti-smoking laws. I'm not a smoker and probably never will be, but I don't think it's the state's job to tell people where they can't smoke, especially when that place is a bar. It's a bar, people. It ain't a hospital. You don't go there for all the wondrous health benefits. You go there to get drunk. You go there to kill your brain and liver. What's that you say? You're worried about your lungs? Not me, motherfucker. I'll sign a waiver to that effect if I have to. Just gimme some beer and let my smoker friends have some, too.

5. I heard it's going to fall into the ocean. How will I laugh at others' misfortune while I'm dogpaddling my way back to the newly formed Nevada shore?

4. No hablo Espanol. Except for "Mi abuelita es muy loco in cabeza," "El queso esta viejo y mohoso," and "awwwwwww, SI!!!" I don't need to live in a place where whites eye me with suspicion me because I'm half Messican and Messicans despise me because I'm half gringo. You laugh, but this is no laughing matter. It's a serious concern. There should be support groups for people like me.

3. Cost of living, my friend. A penny saved is a penny earned.

2. They killed Tookey. Allright, I was a little torn on this issue like a lot of people out there. He killed four people in cold blood and should absolutely pay for it. Nothing he has done since then will bring his victims back to their families, but I don't believe in the death penalty to start with and I think he could have continued to do a lot of good for California's youth, especially from a 10x4 jail cell. Solitude is good for the soul. Bad call, Cali.

1. People already think Liz and I are married. What would they say if I moved across the country with her? "But you live with her, you let her drive your other car, you bicker, you wield weapons to scare away predators, and now you're moving across the country with her? You are SOOOOO married to her. That's awesome." Thanks for giving me a complex about it, RDMII. You too, Sarfy. I hate you all and hope you get killed in the face with a big bag of murder.

I'm not moving to California, bitches.

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Well of course, I can't let these reasons go undisputed. Below is my reply to the roomie:


10. He is The Governator. Get used to it. He has done well for California, they were in a world of hurt before he got there. They are still in a world of hurt, but they're better off than they were thanks to him!

9. No one in an industrialized nation needs religion. Spirituality, yes, but not religion. You can get all SORTS of spirituality and find god in redwood forests, beaches, Yosemite, the PCH and even the energy windmills out there.

8. Buy a bottle of octane booster.

7. The OC is far away, don't go there. There are a million other places. It's not any worse than OTP.

6. I am kind of with you on this one, EXCEPT - I can stay out drinking waaaaaaay later if my eyes aren't irritated, and I'm much more likely to go out in the first place if I know I won't come back smelling all smoky. So really the bars are making more money on peeps like me to get there in the first place, then to stay longer and drink more. But I do agree, for the most part, that it should be the bar owner's decision, not the government's.

5. Should this actually happen while you are alive, your ancestors swam across the Rio Grand, I think good swimming skills are in your genes. However, Nevada Shores would be great, Nevada has no state income tax.

4. We're all mutts. But the nice thing is, we're all American. Is there a support group for people who LIKE the fact that they are American? Can't we all just get along?

3. True... but can you put a price on HEAVEN? Though I have to say... Reno NV is a nice affordable alternative to Heaven, here. You sacrifice the beach, but then you're closer to skiing. Hmmmm.... maybe we are onto something here...

2. AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A TEXAN??

1. Well if this is marriage, the whole no-sex thing sucks! Don't worry dude, we've got another 5 years as roomies in the state of Georgia until we're common law. THEN you can get a complex about it. 'Til then, you're Roommate Numero Uno. Add that to your spanish vocab. ;)

Let's go to Nevada.

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And of course, like me, The Guery just can't let it go... so here is HIS reply to MY reply:

10. I don't care about his policies. He had a hand in the ruination of the Batman franchise.

9. You should know me better than that. Last time I went to church was because I was tricked into it.

8. No

7. I don't go OTP either.

6. I'll buy you a stylin' new pair of goggles.

5. That's racist. I actually sink like a rock in water. Had I been required to swim across the Rio Grande for my family, they would have starved to death waiting for me to send money.

4. That's a blog entry all to itself.

3. No corporate tax, either. Do I see Moxie Body, Inc's headquarters moving in the near future?

2. I'm a Texan with a mind of my own. It's pretty twisted that Texas executes as many people as Saudi Arabia every year. Don't most Americans, especially those in red states, consider Arabs as something of a savage, zealotous, and uneducated society who are easily led by their political and religious figures? Aren't we just like them?

1. I KNEW IT. You DO want my sweet ass.

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I'd comment further, but I'm laughing too hard!